oh, Reader's Digest, you slay me.

so, it's my first summer vacation Friday night here in Saint John, New Brunswick, and I have a wee bit of free time before any of my plans tonight get around to actually happening.

first off, the beloved friday five.

///

1. Who was your first kiss (your mom does not count)?

Oh, my God. What a question. Do I have to tell the answer? Ah, allright. My second girlfriend, Laura Ringeri. Happy?

2. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Something awesome. (What? That's vague? Oh, right.) Well! Probably a day-long type thing, so you can really get to know the person, especially if it's a first date. A visit to the spa in the afternoon, then an amazing (a drawn-out dinner) with several courses, followed by a walk along the beach or somewheres like that. Sounds hot. But then again, I'm always up for anything.

3. What music needs to be on when you are “getting your thang on”?

Well, obviously up-tempo music. I obviously love pop and hip-hop, but electronica really does it for me, shit son. Such as Axwell's "Feel the vibe ('Til the morning comes)" is actually fucking phenomeonal. Click here to check it out, go under "Music" then "Dance," scroll down 'til you find out. And then dance along, forever... But I bet you can't dance like them, BIOTCH.

4. What is the most amazing experience you’ve ever shared with a partner?

Ahhhh, I don't even know what exactly this question is trying to ask, soooo I'm-a avoid that question.

5. Sex is best saved for: love, marriage, alcohol, days that end in “y”?

Love, or someone who actually matters. At least for the first time.

///

OK, well that was fun and ... fun, as usual. Now, as the title suggests, Reader's Digest is actually hilarious, holy crap. Who would even think? I was just reading the March 2006 edition this afternoon, and I really felt obliged to share some amazing excerpts. This is probably illegal, but let me say it now: Everything I'm writing here is directly from Reader's Digest magazine, the March 2006 edition.

Here are some of the hilarious bits and interesting facts I read. (Trust me, they're good. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing about them in my beloved blog.)

P. 22: Did you know artificial sweeteners are more sweet than sugar? Compared to good old sugar, aspartame is 180 times sweeter, Splenda is 600 times sweeter, and neotame, the next generation of aspartame recently approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, is a sickening 13,000 times sweeter than ordinary sugar. Sweet.

P. 25: Higher-income people in Canada trust others more easily than lower-income people. Hm.

P. 33: One of my favorite words, angst! But what does it really mean?
a) regret;
b) anxiety;
c) frenzy;
d) clarity.

(The answer? b).)

P. 43: As Kids See It, a section featuring funny quotes from children. Kind of like the written version of "Kids Say the Darndest Things."

"Laine, our six-year-old daughter, came home from school recently very excited to show us what she'd learned in her safety program.

"This is what I have to do if a stranger approaches me and tries to take me." She took a deep breath, grimaced and yelled, "Help! Help! This is not my mother! I am being adopted!"

Cute! The second one:

"The commercial for Viagra with the middle-aged men running happily through the streets to the song "We Are the Champions" came on while my husband and ten-year-old son were watching TV. After seeing these jubilant men kicking up their heels, my son turned to his father and asked, "Dad, would you be that happy if you got rid of your heartburn?""

P. 49: Quotable Quotes.

Reach for the stars even if you have to stand on a cactus. -Susan Longacre

The first lesson reading teaches us is how to be alone. -Jonathan Franzen, (How To Be Alone: Essays)

Learn to enjoy your own company. You are the one person you can count on living with for the rest of your life. -Ann Richards in O: The Oprah Magazine

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. -Jim Davis, I'm In the Mood for Food, In the Kitchen With Garfield

P. 64: The Washington Post asked it's readers for the worst possible quote. My favorite?

"She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up." -Susan Reese.

Rwar, baby, rawr.

P. 66: All In A Day's Work, humour from the workplace.

"My husband was late coming home from work one night. Since he'd been working overtime quite a bit, my mind started concocting various scenarios until I reached the point where I imagined the unimaginable.
"I think he might be having an affair," I confided to a friend.
"You always think the worst," she said.
"So you don't think it's anything serious?"
"Of course not. He's probably only had a car accident."

And now, for the actual reason I'm even quoting this thing. Page 74 of that month's edition featured an article called "Do We Really Need These?" by Scott Feschuk. IT IS AMAZING. I will try my best to quote the best parts of the article, it's so fabulous, he talks about new products on the market we most likely don't need.

"The Internet Urinal (a device that allows you to pee into it while you're "too busy to use the washroom" while at the computer) "comes with a handy female adapter" that is (a) not especially handy if you're not female and (b) the selling point that must have convinced at least one man in the world to buy this product and give it to his wife--which, I think you'd agree, is a moment we'd all like to have eavesdropped on."

"You don't need a cooler. You don't need electricity. Heck, judging by the name, [The Amazin' Beer Chiller] you don't even need the letter g."

"The basic premise of the propane-fueled Weed Torch is that the most effective and efficient way to rid your flower beds of small, pesky weeds is to burn them to death wielding the back-yard equivalent of a flame-thrower. This may strike some people as overkill. Then again, after enduring sore knees and bad backs in pursuit of tended soil, avid gardeners may well enjoy the novelty of incinerating their feet instead."

[For a product called the "Banana Bunker," designed to protect your banana from getting squished.] "Don't be fooled by its simple design. The Banana Bunker is more, so much more, than a banana-shaped piece of plastic. According to its website, the Banana Bunker has the power, "even in this fast-paced economy," to "transform the way individuals will treat his or her own diet, allowing consumers to eat healthier." Sadly, the Banana Bunker can apparantly do nothing to protect the English language from poor grammar."

This is by far the best product review:

"It is worth noting that the same website that sells the Electric Marshmellow Toaster also offers a Smores Maker. "Nothing brings back childhood memories," declares the website, "like the great taste of s'mores--these fun-to-make campfire creations." Well, guess what? Now they don't have to be fun to make! Now, after toasting your own marshmellows on your Electric Marshmellow Toaster, you can make use of the Smores Maker's "central roaster with durable stainless steel grilling surface." Doesn't that sound like a blast? Parents, this is a great product to bring to the cottage, especially if your goal is to rob your children on all joys in life. When the moment is right, break the news about Santa Claus, too."

FUCKING FANTASTIC. That was so much typing, and yet so worth it. Hope you enjoyed...

After reading all of that, you HAVE to leave a comment, fuckaz.

Back in the SJ,

JOEL

THIS IS RAD!

I am HOME. It is so overwhelming, weird, amazing, fun, confusing, and sad all at the same time.

I thought I would cry or something upon seeing my family, especially Ben, but I didn't. I guess I'm used to being away for long periods of time by now, it's actually ridiculous. I'm so exhausted right now, working on roughly an hour and a half of sleep, and I'm jetlegged. Er, no, I gained an hour, right now my biological clock thinks it's only 10PM, when in reality it's 11PM (Atlantic Time, of course.)

The flight back was beautiful, I flew directly over the CN Tower, and I'm quite certain I saw my beloved residence, Pitman Hall. How... symbolic is that??? The place I've spent my entire year, and I see it as I fly away. Wow.

Anyway, it's time to ... relax and live my summer now. Justine and I already have plans for tomorrow, it's going to be amazing, I'm in diar need of JUSTINE TIME! YES. and then my job hunt has already begun, I've apparantly received quite a few calls from interested employers - apparantly Ryerson's RTA is impressive. Maybe my bilingualism and charm help too?

I'm fucking blabbering, please excuse me. I'm braindead, and require sleep badly. But, like so many nights, I find it very hard to get away from my computer (actually my laptop - our PC here at home is a dinosaur,) at nighttime.

I AM SO EXCITED. YAY

Joel, HOME AT LAST AFTER ALL THIS MOTHERF***ING HARD WORK!

bitter bitter bitter bitter

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh surprise, Canadian Idol didn't work out. I'm very upset.

well, kind of. this is like what? major letdown #4 or #5 of the school year? what a fucking roller coaster first year was. I tried everything. and failed almost everything.

let's hope second year is better, I don't know how much more of this "fail-then-cheer-up" formula I can take. auuugh. fuck, more details to follow. cheer up buttercup! <3

T-minus 2 days until my extremely beloved SJ & N.B.,
Joel, still gonna be a star.

P.S. Highly unpleasant word of the week: loafers. Ew.

DONE EXAMS, BITCHES

yo dawgz,

I'm out to have a blast soon, so here are two goodies I know you'll love.

first, this magical video from 'the' foremost authority on women... meet the sexpert.

and secondly, well, you can only guess what other surprise I have up my sleeve on a friday.

ONE GUESS.

///

1) How do you feel about people who commit suicide? Such as, do you feel that they are too lazy to deal with life, have depression, do you feel sorry for them, etc.?

Well, I think they simply think they're in "unsolvable" situations. Which, of course, it untrue. There is no such thing as an unsolvable situation. I know I sound like Optimistic Bear, (a new Care Bear I've just invented,) but it's true.

Of course I feel sorry for people who kill themselves. Well, most people anyway. But for those who don't deserve to die, it's tragic they weren't able to seek out help before they died.

Man, I totally feel like I'm back in high school and in Vague-par-Vague again.

2) What do you think people say about you behind your back?

Ha, I'd rather not think about that. In fact, I'd rather think that people don't talk about me behind my back, which is completely untrue. When they do talk about me, well, I've had a lot of not-very-nice things said about me, and it's not something I really enjoy thinking about. Thanks for the question though, Debbie Downer.

3) If you could own and operate any major business, what would it be?

Either a modelling / acting agency, a record label, or perhaps even a film studio. That would be so phenomeonal... Except I'm much more interesting in being in front of the camera lens, not behind.

4) Are you/would you be embarrassed to talk to your friends or family about sex?

Well, my friends and I talk about sex fairly often, I'm very open with almost all of my friends, so it's not much of a big deal. As for my family, well, that's a different story alltogther - that can become very awkward, very fast. I'll pass for now thanks, and stick to my friends when it comes to sex talks.

5) In some cultures, young women are married and begin families as soon as they start a menstrual cycle. Do you believe this is right or wrong? Why?

I just think it's the girl's decision on what she wants to do. It's her body. If it's against her will, then it's wrong. If it's what she wants it, well, that's what she wants.

///

and so, that was your Friday Five.

oh, and speaking of "Optimistic Bear," I've been assigned a Care Bear... his name (yes, his name) is Funshine Bear. that just screams Joel. PLEASE notice who he has a crush on, and then click on Love-A-Lot Bear and see who she likes... DRAMA? I think so.

Home in 5,

JOEL

P.S. What the hell happened to Brave Heart, Treat Heart, or Lotsa Heart??? The hell?

oh my shit.

Caption: Dear fun and partying... I MISS YOU.

///

THIS WEEK IS SO RIDONCULOUS. AH.

Monday, 7PM Broadcast History Exam. DONE.
Tuesday, 12 noon Studio Exam. DONE.
Wednesday, 8AM Culture of the Modern Exam. DONE. (6AM wake-up call.)
Thursday, 11:30AM Spanish Written Exam. OH GOD.
Friday, 11:15AM Spanish Oral Exam. CARAMBA.
Friday, shortly therafter, Media Technical Theory Quiz. A JOKE. (Thanks to a certain Ms. Poitvein, the hipster herself.)
Friday night, no celebrating. Early to bed.
Saturday morning, off to Kitchener for Idol.

And, a week from today, I WILL BE BACK HOME IN SAINT JOHN, NEW BRUNSWICK! THANK YOU, GOD!

Now, where was I? Right, "studying" for Spanish. God, studying sucks. Especially when it's 6 exams crammed into one week. Good Lord.

Halfway there,

Joooeeeellllll
or, if you yodel, my apparant new nickname,
Joel-a-lay-hee-hoo

WHAT THE FUCK

HOW AM I SURVIVING RIGHT NOW?

When I go home, I'm going to be a total fucking stranger.
I've not been home for:

98 days, or
3 months and 8 days, or
14 weeks, or even
8,467,200 seconds.

8 MILLION FOUR HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING SECONDS?!?!?

and what am I rewarded with? oh, right, a week full (literally, every single day,) full of exams. Let's look up "exam" is Joel's Dictionary, shall we?

Exam, [fuck.ing.re.tar.ded.]
1. When a student sits in a stuffy room for hours and hours on end, writing like a slave on impossibly hard questions and essays. During these hours, the student in question is scrutinized as if he/she is a convict freshly let out of prison after serving a sentence for violent battery or theft. Should the student decide to look around the room, breathe, use the washroom, or exist, this is considered suspicious behavior.
2. Absolutely retarded.

Why, what an accurate description! Couldn't have said it better myself.

Don't get me wrong, things truly are great. I just hate studying for exams. It feels like I should feel guilty when I'm not studying for exams, i.e. using the washroom, or blinking.

Oh, and I just saw "La fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulin," why didn't I see it earlier!?! It's simply magnificent. Wow.

Right, so for some bizarre reason, I don't feel like typing anymore. Hm.

Wish me luck,
Joel

feels like a friday.

so, I don't feel like typing much, tonight's going to be another crunk night.

yes, I've learned my lesson from Saturday night, I'm not getting nearly as drunk as I was on Saturday, believe me.

so, in other news, THE TARA AWARDS! Best Group Radio Show, "Heart FM," Core Group 7B, how phenomeonal!











So, it was a lovely evening, wow. Not just because of the award - the entire production was flawless, the segments were hilarious, and the people were beautiful. Not to mention the after-party, oh boy! How nuts.

I'm now officially finished classes - tonight is my last night to get crunk before I buckle down for exams. I'm going to a pub either by the name of "Mick E. Finn's," or "Mickey Finn's," I really just don't know yet. It should be a hot time, however!

Right, so I'm going to go relax and have fun before I go out. And then, it's time to study until my eyes bleed. Oh, God.


Yours, somewhat glamorously,
Joelie Olie Oxen Free!

oh, shit son.

k, so I have very little time to post this. just a quick rundown of my weekend for ya.

vendredi: salad king and H&M with ash, beautiful times. I just chilled for the rest of the evening, I really needed a night like that, very chill, very lovely.

samedi: did my visit to the RAC, it was hardcore. chilled for the afternoon, made a visit to the LCBO with Ashley, that was grand. pre-drank with Meara on floor 10 (the half-bottle of wine,) Lindsay & Co. in O'Keefe (the 3/4s of the mickey of vodka,) and then I went to the actual party @ the Ram, where I had two additional beers. ho, shit son. Joel was gone. that night, I blacked out so many times, barfed so much, and was just generally a retard. apparantly I was entertaining, but it's just mortifying. never again will I get so smashed. never. ew.

dimanche: I woke up early (yes, early,) to go be a Production Assistant with ash all day for BiteTV, for a show called "The Conventioneers," it was long, gruelling, but cool. we got free stuff all day, and then Jason (one of the hosts) took us out to dinner @ East Side Mario's, it was ok. I was nauseous all day long, so yeah. then it was laundry time to the max, and now my room is fresh and clean and I feel much better.

time to buy my ticket for the TARAs (3 nominations!) and do my radio show, followed by three hours of Broadcast History! huzzah... or not.

yours, who's learned his lesson the hard way,
joel

april showers bring may flowers

Caption: Oh, Natalie Dee, I just effing love you.

///

raiiiiny friday, but my heart is light! a week from today I'll be finished with my classes, and my weekend begins at 3PM, that's all that matters.

I had my interview with H&M yesterday, it went rather well. (Saint John peeps who live under a rock: H&M = trendy department clothing store.) I'm pretty sure I got the job.

"But Joel, what's the point? You're leaving so soon! Blah-dee-blah-blah, I'm a moron!"

Answer: yah, well I'm poor. what do you want.

just to clarify! anyway, time for ze Friday Five, bet you can't wait!!

///

1. Do you like chicken?

Well, if I'm in the mood to eat meat, then yes. Otherwise, HELL NO.

2. What is 1 food you can't live without?

There are... Far too many. Probably baguettes however, or yogurt raisins, or hummus. It's one big tie.

3. Are you an early bird or a night owl?

Once I get going in the morning, everything's peachy keen! I love the morning. I can get so much done and I (usually) always do my exercise in the morning, it's what I do.

...Not to say I can't have fun at night. Anyone who's been clubbing / partying with me knows that, eh guys?

4. Chocolate or vanilla?

Both. Together. Married. With babies.

5. Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

Well, I do like dogs, but they're so slobbery. You feel like you should wash your hands after touching them. I like them very much though, they're much more fun and much less bitchy than cats.

However, cats seem to latch themselves onto me and purr incessantly whenever I'm around, so I guess I'm more of a cat person. Who knows/cares.

///


holla holla muthafucka, weekend plans! not sure for tonight, and tomorrow night's a hella hot party hosted by O'Keefe House at the Ram! I'm not much for campus/residence parties as of late, but hey! Everyone's gonna be there, that's what peer pressure is for! Also, I'm going to begin my studying for exams... Oh, Lord.

This past week hasn't been too bad, but the "mini-vacation" everyone had (at least RTA) is basically over, as the year is winding up, and final projects / exam studying begins. Grrreat.

allrightyyy, hope you have a charming weekend, readers! I love you all.

Gonna be big soon,
Joel

jealous much?

dear friends,

check out the following link. it just-so-happens to be the Matt Mays & El Torpedo music video for their new song, "Time Of Your Life ('till You're Dead)."

my good friend, Ashley Poitvein, appears four times in the video. she's the crazy fan at the very forefront of the audience wearing the plaid shirt. her longer apperances occur later on in the video, but if you look closely, you can see her in the very start as well!

so, right, I know you're jealous. I'll stop taunting you with how cool my friends are. here's the link.

Toronto is so cool,
Joel

P.S. Here is a pic of Ashley with [some of] the band, just in case you wanted to see it.

happy happy april 2006, everyone!

to commemorate such an exciting event, I'm going to post something I stole off of mishelle and annika's BCJournals.

///

1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name) Tornado Mutual

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on mother's side first name, favorite candy) Paul Yogurt Raisin

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name) J VAU

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite animal, name of (former) high school) Moose Sam-de-Cham

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Arthur Saint John

6. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME: (name of dad/mom, cell phone Company you use) Monica NoCell

7. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) Vausisnop

8. YOUR JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards) Ruhtra Ksis

9. YOUR STAGE NAME: (middle name, street you grew up on) Arthur Valleyview

10. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the first thing you see when you look to your left) The orange empty bottle of water

///

hot. I'm off to Mod Club tonight, and last night was hella crunk, pictures are sure to follow!

your orange empty bottle of water,
Tornado Mutual