oh, Reader's Digest, you slay me.

so, it's my first summer vacation Friday night here in Saint John, New Brunswick, and I have a wee bit of free time before any of my plans tonight get around to actually happening.

first off, the beloved friday five.

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1. Who was your first kiss (your mom does not count)?

Oh, my God. What a question. Do I have to tell the answer? Ah, allright. My second girlfriend, Laura Ringeri. Happy?

2. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Something awesome. (What? That's vague? Oh, right.) Well! Probably a day-long type thing, so you can really get to know the person, especially if it's a first date. A visit to the spa in the afternoon, then an amazing (a drawn-out dinner) with several courses, followed by a walk along the beach or somewheres like that. Sounds hot. But then again, I'm always up for anything.

3. What music needs to be on when you are “getting your thang on”?

Well, obviously up-tempo music. I obviously love pop and hip-hop, but electronica really does it for me, shit son. Such as Axwell's "Feel the vibe ('Til the morning comes)" is actually fucking phenomeonal. Click here to check it out, go under "Music" then "Dance," scroll down 'til you find out. And then dance along, forever... But I bet you can't dance like them, BIOTCH.

4. What is the most amazing experience you’ve ever shared with a partner?

Ahhhh, I don't even know what exactly this question is trying to ask, soooo I'm-a avoid that question.

5. Sex is best saved for: love, marriage, alcohol, days that end in “y”?

Love, or someone who actually matters. At least for the first time.

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OK, well that was fun and ... fun, as usual. Now, as the title suggests, Reader's Digest is actually hilarious, holy crap. Who would even think? I was just reading the March 2006 edition this afternoon, and I really felt obliged to share some amazing excerpts. This is probably illegal, but let me say it now: Everything I'm writing here is directly from Reader's Digest magazine, the March 2006 edition.

Here are some of the hilarious bits and interesting facts I read. (Trust me, they're good. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing about them in my beloved blog.)

P. 22: Did you know artificial sweeteners are more sweet than sugar? Compared to good old sugar, aspartame is 180 times sweeter, Splenda is 600 times sweeter, and neotame, the next generation of aspartame recently approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, is a sickening 13,000 times sweeter than ordinary sugar. Sweet.

P. 25: Higher-income people in Canada trust others more easily than lower-income people. Hm.

P. 33: One of my favorite words, angst! But what does it really mean?
a) regret;
b) anxiety;
c) frenzy;
d) clarity.

(The answer? b).)

P. 43: As Kids See It, a section featuring funny quotes from children. Kind of like the written version of "Kids Say the Darndest Things."

"Laine, our six-year-old daughter, came home from school recently very excited to show us what she'd learned in her safety program.

"This is what I have to do if a stranger approaches me and tries to take me." She took a deep breath, grimaced and yelled, "Help! Help! This is not my mother! I am being adopted!"

Cute! The second one:

"The commercial for Viagra with the middle-aged men running happily through the streets to the song "We Are the Champions" came on while my husband and ten-year-old son were watching TV. After seeing these jubilant men kicking up their heels, my son turned to his father and asked, "Dad, would you be that happy if you got rid of your heartburn?""

P. 49: Quotable Quotes.

Reach for the stars even if you have to stand on a cactus. -Susan Longacre

The first lesson reading teaches us is how to be alone. -Jonathan Franzen, (How To Be Alone: Essays)

Learn to enjoy your own company. You are the one person you can count on living with for the rest of your life. -Ann Richards in O: The Oprah Magazine

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. -Jim Davis, I'm In the Mood for Food, In the Kitchen With Garfield

P. 64: The Washington Post asked it's readers for the worst possible quote. My favorite?

"She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up." -Susan Reese.

Rwar, baby, rawr.

P. 66: All In A Day's Work, humour from the workplace.

"My husband was late coming home from work one night. Since he'd been working overtime quite a bit, my mind started concocting various scenarios until I reached the point where I imagined the unimaginable.
"I think he might be having an affair," I confided to a friend.
"You always think the worst," she said.
"So you don't think it's anything serious?"
"Of course not. He's probably only had a car accident."

And now, for the actual reason I'm even quoting this thing. Page 74 of that month's edition featured an article called "Do We Really Need These?" by Scott Feschuk. IT IS AMAZING. I will try my best to quote the best parts of the article, it's so fabulous, he talks about new products on the market we most likely don't need.

"The Internet Urinal (a device that allows you to pee into it while you're "too busy to use the washroom" while at the computer) "comes with a handy female adapter" that is (a) not especially handy if you're not female and (b) the selling point that must have convinced at least one man in the world to buy this product and give it to his wife--which, I think you'd agree, is a moment we'd all like to have eavesdropped on."

"You don't need a cooler. You don't need electricity. Heck, judging by the name, [The Amazin' Beer Chiller] you don't even need the letter g."

"The basic premise of the propane-fueled Weed Torch is that the most effective and efficient way to rid your flower beds of small, pesky weeds is to burn them to death wielding the back-yard equivalent of a flame-thrower. This may strike some people as overkill. Then again, after enduring sore knees and bad backs in pursuit of tended soil, avid gardeners may well enjoy the novelty of incinerating their feet instead."

[For a product called the "Banana Bunker," designed to protect your banana from getting squished.] "Don't be fooled by its simple design. The Banana Bunker is more, so much more, than a banana-shaped piece of plastic. According to its website, the Banana Bunker has the power, "even in this fast-paced economy," to "transform the way individuals will treat his or her own diet, allowing consumers to eat healthier." Sadly, the Banana Bunker can apparantly do nothing to protect the English language from poor grammar."

This is by far the best product review:

"It is worth noting that the same website that sells the Electric Marshmellow Toaster also offers a Smores Maker. "Nothing brings back childhood memories," declares the website, "like the great taste of s'mores--these fun-to-make campfire creations." Well, guess what? Now they don't have to be fun to make! Now, after toasting your own marshmellows on your Electric Marshmellow Toaster, you can make use of the Smores Maker's "central roaster with durable stainless steel grilling surface." Doesn't that sound like a blast? Parents, this is a great product to bring to the cottage, especially if your goal is to rob your children on all joys in life. When the moment is right, break the news about Santa Claus, too."

FUCKING FANTASTIC. That was so much typing, and yet so worth it. Hope you enjoyed...

After reading all of that, you HAVE to leave a comment, fuckaz.

Back in the SJ,

JOEL